This Thing Called Death

I have sort of been staring at this computer screen blankly for the last 10 minutes.

You see, I know that writing can be therapeutic but I have this issue where I never want anyone to actually see what it is that I'm feeling...partially because there are just some things y'all don't need to see, and partially because I'm scared. Scared that people will see who I am...my deepest fears...all my insecurites...see ME. And that? That my friends is scary.

My Mama (my grandmother) was an amazing woman. She was the woman who watched my sister and I when my mother had to go back to work. She was the woman who took us to ballet and paid for our costumes and recitals because my parents could not afford it. She was the woman who encouraged my sister and I to grow into who we are today. She was...

See I can't even put it into words how great she truly was. And that sucks because I feel like I'm doing her an injustice by it. I want so badly for you all to see how truly amazing she was and I'm failing. I know that this is what happens as you grow up...your grandparents die. I get it. I know the whole life process. I know how this works...it just doesn't make it any easier.

You wanna know what really got me tonight though? As my grandmother lay, hooked up to monitors and oxygen, barely any life left inside her...watching my grandfather BROKE MY HEART INTO THOUSANDS OF LITTLE PIECES. My grandfather, who has been dutifully caring for my grandmother in her old age, who has done everything and anything that my grandmother has required, would not leave her side for the past 36 hours. He stayed there, awake, holding her hand even though she was entirely unresponsive. He talked to her as she began to drift to heaven...he stayed with her even though it was clear how very difficult it was on him.

I just don't see how people can deny that there are soulmates...that there is that one person we are truly meant to be with. It makes me appreciate my husband on such a different level. Watching my grandfather tonight changed me, and the way I view my marriage. Those vows I recited? They mean so much more, now that I've seen what it is they really mean.

I just don't know how this will ever stop hurting...

Money and Marriage

So they say that financial disagreements are the leading cause for divorce...hmm. Yeah I can see how that makes sense. BUT HOW DO YOU GET AROUND THAT!? I've been with my husband for almost 8 freakin' years and we have been sharing finances for 4 of them and we still rarely agree on what the best way to manage our money is. So how do you do it? I've been searching the internets for some articles that may help me try to find that balance in my own relationship....I found THIS great article from MSN. Below are some of the bullets that hit closest to home:

• Pick a good time to talk about money -- not at meals, right before bedtime or when inebriating substances are flowing. 

• Set up a budget. Even if you had one when you were single, you need a new one that includes both incomes, debts and bills. (See "Your 5-minute guide to budgeting.")

• Decide whether to use joint or separate accounts or consider having "yours," "mine" and "ours" accounts. Experts agree that if a couple can't share their money in a checking account, it's probably a signal that something's wrong in the relationship. 

• If one of you brought debt into the marriage, it becomes a problem for both of you. Work together to figure out a plan to pay it off. But don't officially commingle your debt; keep existing credit card and loan accounts in the original holder's name. (See "Your 5-minute guide to managing debt.") 

• Update your paperwork, including wills, 401(k) beneficiaries, life insurance policies and the withholding amount on your income taxes. 

• Assess your emergency fund. Every couple should have enough money to cover three to six months worth of living expenses. (See "Why you need $500 in the bank.")

• Put yourself in each person's shoes. If one person is generally responsible for the budget and the other does the purchasing, switch roles every three to six months. This way, both partners know your financial situation.

• Don't begrudge your spouse small indulgences, but do agree to consult each other on big-ticket items. Put a dollar amount on what constitutes a big-ticket item now, so there's no question later.

• Don't keep money secrets.

• And finally, don't criticize your spouse about money in front of others. Ever. 

I just felt like these are some great overall tips. It's really the first article I've found that has been even remotely helpful. We manage our money pretty well...but we aren't always so quick to communicate with each other about our financial goals. Marriage is hard work y'all! Who knew? Oh yeah...my mom. I probably should have listened to that woman. She's pretty insightful.