This Thing Called Death

I have sort of been staring at this computer screen blankly for the last 10 minutes.

You see, I know that writing can be therapeutic but I have this issue where I never want anyone to actually see what it is that I'm feeling...partially because there are just some things y'all don't need to see, and partially because I'm scared. Scared that people will see who I am...my deepest fears...all my insecurites...see ME. And that? That my friends is scary.

My Mama (my grandmother) was an amazing woman. She was the woman who watched my sister and I when my mother had to go back to work. She was the woman who took us to ballet and paid for our costumes and recitals because my parents could not afford it. She was the woman who encouraged my sister and I to grow into who we are today. She was...

See I can't even put it into words how great she truly was. And that sucks because I feel like I'm doing her an injustice by it. I want so badly for you all to see how truly amazing she was and I'm failing. I know that this is what happens as you grow up...your grandparents die. I get it. I know the whole life process. I know how this works...it just doesn't make it any easier.

You wanna know what really got me tonight though? As my grandmother lay, hooked up to monitors and oxygen, barely any life left inside her...watching my grandfather BROKE MY HEART INTO THOUSANDS OF LITTLE PIECES. My grandfather, who has been dutifully caring for my grandmother in her old age, who has done everything and anything that my grandmother has required, would not leave her side for the past 36 hours. He stayed there, awake, holding her hand even though she was entirely unresponsive. He talked to her as she began to drift to heaven...he stayed with her even though it was clear how very difficult it was on him.

I just don't see how people can deny that there are soulmates...that there is that one person we are truly meant to be with. It makes me appreciate my husband on such a different level. Watching my grandfather tonight changed me, and the way I view my marriage. Those vows I recited? They mean so much more, now that I've seen what it is they really mean.

I just don't know how this will ever stop hurting...